Understanding childhood
Before we are born we begin to absorb aspects of the world we are about to inhabit... especially the environment around our parents and extended family.
Those of us lucky enough to be born into emotionally and financially stable families will benefit by learning, from our parents, how to act appropriately under most circumstances. Our physical and emotional health play a large part in our ability to learn. Remembering that as a child we don't know what to do... we have to learn.
Before the age of four a child does not know how to lie very well... as they grow that 'skill' a whole new world is open to them. As an adult, you have to be aware of these developmental stages in children.
Every child is different. Recognising their individual traits is an imperative position to take in order for the child to love themselves for what they are. If the father thinks they should be a footballer, it is likely they will 'want' to play football...why? So they can please their father. Why do they want to please their father? Because they intrinsically recognise their own safety is secure when their father is caring for them. Angering people means they will not be safe.
This need to feel secure runs with us all our lives. How we manage that is learned as a child.
The adult will want to please their partner if that is how they learned to survive as a child.
In the terrific TV series Unforgotten* , Cassie Stuart, the lead detective, after interviewing a 27 year old man, having heard the details of his terrible childhood said: "We wonder why these boys end up like this...that's why". She identified those early experiences which played a dastardly part in every relationship he had.
The impulse to connect and survive showed in every detail of those evey later relationship.
We still always wish to be loved and connected, we sometimes just don't have the effective tools to master the desires.
The adult task is to learn how to do the 'adult' position in every argument.
*Unforgotten, British Detective Series Starring Nicola Walker (Series 1–4) and Sanjeev Bhaskar with Sinéad Keenan (Series 5–6). Exhilarating, horrifying and fulfilling because they never stop asking questions until they have some better understanding.
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